Weight 126. It's weird at the moment, I dont feel fat, I dont feel horrible when I look at the number on the scale. But when I get my hair done and am forced to look at my face I can see all the fat. When I'm trying on clothes and I look at the mirror and realize I cannot where shorts with those legs, when I look at my boyfirend (who's tiny and got the worst eating habits) or at my hairdresser (who's also tiny and works out all the time) then I feel fat.
Fact is, I am still fat. I am kind of proud of myself, cause I stopped bingeing and purging, and instead started to eat somewhat healthy, but I slip too often, I eat too much, and I dont work out long or hard enough. Summer is about to start, and I want a nice summer body.
I also need to do some work in my life. I mean it's fun, but I just feel guilty not doing anything about the things I have to change.
I'm dating one of my colleagues, Nick. And that sentence has everything I need to change in it. My job is ridiculous: lots of responsibility, awesome colleagues, no money and I don't really care about it. I just need to find something that I actually like, where they pay me enough to live from it.
And Nick: we are having fun, he's a great guy, but he's not the guy I'm going to marry. Is it wrong to just have fun?
Need to go for a run.
11/24/10
9/27/10
SORRY!
It's not like lots of people are reading it, but I still felt extremely bad about my long absence.
The main reason? I was too embarrassed. Instead of going down, my weight kept going up. How can I tell keep telling you about that? At the worst point, I was back at 136. I could hardly get dressed in the mornings (tough when all your clothes are way too tight), forget about blogging about it.
Now I'm down to 126...but I'm not exactly proud of how I got here...It was all Mia. Which seems to be the only way for all the skinny people around me. Today, I didn't speak on the big white phone...and I know my weight will be up. What I ate? 1 Croissant (fuck my lack of control and Monday pastry day!), 1 small packet of beef jerky and a fruit salad with yogurt. I can pretty much feel my thighs and stomach expanding as I'm writing this. And I know, seeing as today is already fucked, that I'll eat when I get home....and than, after two days without, I'll go back to one massive meal a day, that later wanders down the toilet...
I can't. I'm always to lazy to run (or too tired. Or just working 15 hours like today), and although Hoodia stops my hunger, nothing can stop my appetite.
And I'm still too fat.
Other than that: work is something between extremely boring and extremely stressful, but i can always entertain myself by flirting with my colleagues :-)
my car is fucked, my phone is fucked...
...and my attempt at Dave (maybe the feelings will come after some time) ended in him breaking up with me because my "selfish disinterest was something he didn't want to deal with"
oh well, thanks for saving me the bother...
The main reason? I was too embarrassed. Instead of going down, my weight kept going up. How can I tell keep telling you about that? At the worst point, I was back at 136. I could hardly get dressed in the mornings (tough when all your clothes are way too tight), forget about blogging about it.
Now I'm down to 126...but I'm not exactly proud of how I got here...It was all Mia. Which seems to be the only way for all the skinny people around me. Today, I didn't speak on the big white phone...and I know my weight will be up. What I ate? 1 Croissant (fuck my lack of control and Monday pastry day!), 1 small packet of beef jerky and a fruit salad with yogurt. I can pretty much feel my thighs and stomach expanding as I'm writing this. And I know, seeing as today is already fucked, that I'll eat when I get home....and than, after two days without, I'll go back to one massive meal a day, that later wanders down the toilet...
I can't. I'm always to lazy to run (or too tired. Or just working 15 hours like today), and although Hoodia stops my hunger, nothing can stop my appetite.
And I'm still too fat.
Other than that: work is something between extremely boring and extremely stressful, but i can always entertain myself by flirting with my colleagues :-)
my car is fucked, my phone is fucked...
...and my attempt at Dave (maybe the feelings will come after some time) ended in him breaking up with me because my "selfish disinterest was something he didn't want to deal with"
oh well, thanks for saving me the bother...
7/24/10
Dave 2, baby food and more
Saw Dave on Monday night, and although I really just wanted to pick up my stuff and drop off his, we ended up hanging out until I got a call from work and had to go. So weird...Haven't heard from him since.
Think you are right Lina, hadn't thought about that. Always thought that character wise I would so date him, but yeah, he IS manipulative. What I figured out on my own: Why would I ever date somebody who doesn't even want to be friends with me?
Am going to see another guy tonight. He's also weird. He keeps telling my friends how much he likes me, but never texts back...
On another note, all I have to fix is my weight! Teeth, skin and nails are as good as it's going to get, got my hair done, and I love it (blonder, yet with darker strands, nice cut) am tanned....seriously, a friend just posted facebook pics of me and i like them...IF I WASN'T SO CHUBBY!!!!
Chipmunk cheeks, double chin, huge arms, belly fat, thighs touching....ARGH!
Hope the baby food diet takes care of that. As I wasn't losing any weight, I couldn't weight anymore until I was down to 125, so I just started yesterday. I love it. Okay, the food takes some getting used to, but it's not worse then my attempts on cooking, it's nice and portioned, I can take it everywhere in case I get hungry....not following the detox thing though, need my coffee and alcohol...and tonight we're going out...might have to make a phone call later...want some extra energy...;-)
Think you are right Lina, hadn't thought about that. Always thought that character wise I would so date him, but yeah, he IS manipulative. What I figured out on my own: Why would I ever date somebody who doesn't even want to be friends with me?
Am going to see another guy tonight. He's also weird. He keeps telling my friends how much he likes me, but never texts back...
On another note, all I have to fix is my weight! Teeth, skin and nails are as good as it's going to get, got my hair done, and I love it (blonder, yet with darker strands, nice cut) am tanned....seriously, a friend just posted facebook pics of me and i like them...IF I WASN'T SO CHUBBY!!!!
Chipmunk cheeks, double chin, huge arms, belly fat, thighs touching....ARGH!
Hope the baby food diet takes care of that. As I wasn't losing any weight, I couldn't weight anymore until I was down to 125, so I just started yesterday. I love it. Okay, the food takes some getting used to, but it's not worse then my attempts on cooking, it's nice and portioned, I can take it everywhere in case I get hungry....not following the detox thing though, need my coffee and alcohol...and tonight we're going out...might have to make a phone call later...want some extra energy...;-)
7/18/10
Dave
I'm kind of annoyed with what I though was one of my closest friends, Dave.
I haven't been living here for very long, so I hardly hang out with people that I have actually known for a long time.
Dave and me met a few month ago at a mutual friend's party. I was drunk, he was funny, we hung out all night. Nothing happened. I didn't even really know what he looked like, as it was a costume party. Through friends, we met quite often, we started going out for drinks from time to time as well. We had a great time, but although he's funny, smart and just a great guy, I'm just not interested. That's were the problem starts, because he is. After a while of just hanging out, we had the awkward conversation #1, something along the line of: "Where is this going?" "Not sure..." "Me neither..." "Hmm, we're having such a great time, maybe we could just leave it like that for the moment?"
I thought, great, problem solved, he isn't really interested either, maybe we can just be friends. We started hanging out all the time, we agree about everything, and I honestly started to wish I could somehow be romantically interested. But it just isn't there! No spark, whatever you want to call it, from my side it's not there!
As I don't behave girly around him (I drink beer, play play-station, surf and swear), I was hoping he would get over the initial bit of interest as well.
Unfortunately that wasn't the case, so we kept having more awkward conversations. They got worse and worse, to the point were he was questioning if he could or should hang out with me if I wouldn't hook up with him (in a nicer way and a lot more words, but that was the bottom line). Usually he apologized in the morning and we forgot all about it until the next time.
Not so much last night. He complained that his friends were making fun of him for not hooking up with me! He's a grown man, who cares what your friends say? He pretty much ended our friendship then and there (again), but tried to insist that I still stay over as planned. Okay, it was six in the morning, but yeah right, you don't want to hang out with me because of what your friends say, and think I'm still staying for the night? Yeah right. Anyway, got to pick up my stuff today from him. I just don't know what to think! I mean, I'm sorry I can't fall for him, but I just can't. I don't give a shit what his friends say, and am very surprised that somebody his age does! And I know this is hard on him as well, but the whole 'you are my best friend/ we can't hang out anymore/ you changed my life/ we can't hang out anymore/ this friendship means so much to me/ we can't hang out anymore' is just annoying!
I don't want to loose my friend, which apparently is going to happen anyway, but right now I'm just angry!
Anyway, weight went down a tiny bit to 127.6. Would be nice if it was even less tomorrow. So far, had only oatmeal, am planning to have just veggies later.
I haven't been living here for very long, so I hardly hang out with people that I have actually known for a long time.
Dave and me met a few month ago at a mutual friend's party. I was drunk, he was funny, we hung out all night. Nothing happened. I didn't even really know what he looked like, as it was a costume party. Through friends, we met quite often, we started going out for drinks from time to time as well. We had a great time, but although he's funny, smart and just a great guy, I'm just not interested. That's were the problem starts, because he is. After a while of just hanging out, we had the awkward conversation #1, something along the line of: "Where is this going?" "Not sure..." "Me neither..." "Hmm, we're having such a great time, maybe we could just leave it like that for the moment?"
I thought, great, problem solved, he isn't really interested either, maybe we can just be friends. We started hanging out all the time, we agree about everything, and I honestly started to wish I could somehow be romantically interested. But it just isn't there! No spark, whatever you want to call it, from my side it's not there!
As I don't behave girly around him (I drink beer, play play-station, surf and swear), I was hoping he would get over the initial bit of interest as well.
Unfortunately that wasn't the case, so we kept having more awkward conversations. They got worse and worse, to the point were he was questioning if he could or should hang out with me if I wouldn't hook up with him (in a nicer way and a lot more words, but that was the bottom line). Usually he apologized in the morning and we forgot all about it until the next time.
Not so much last night. He complained that his friends were making fun of him for not hooking up with me! He's a grown man, who cares what your friends say? He pretty much ended our friendship then and there (again), but tried to insist that I still stay over as planned. Okay, it was six in the morning, but yeah right, you don't want to hang out with me because of what your friends say, and think I'm still staying for the night? Yeah right. Anyway, got to pick up my stuff today from him. I just don't know what to think! I mean, I'm sorry I can't fall for him, but I just can't. I don't give a shit what his friends say, and am very surprised that somebody his age does! And I know this is hard on him as well, but the whole 'you are my best friend/ we can't hang out anymore/ you changed my life/ we can't hang out anymore/ this friendship means so much to me/ we can't hang out anymore' is just annoying!
I don't want to loose my friend, which apparently is going to happen anyway, but right now I'm just angry!
Anyway, weight went down a tiny bit to 127.6. Would be nice if it was even less tomorrow. So far, had only oatmeal, am planning to have just veggies later.
7/16/10
Grrrr...after zen had such a great success with the baby food diet, I thought I would give it a try, BUT i told myself i would first go back down to 125. For some reason that seems impossible. This morning I was back up at 130. WTF? All I ate yesterday was one sandwich and a salad, and I went surfing, so should have burned some????
Annoying. Although some of it might have been because I got my period and I didn't go to the bathroom before. But still....
Anyway, funny thing happened yesterday: when we came out of the water after surfing, we suddenly saw the big black flag with the shark on it. Lol. Wouldn't have gone in if a had noticed before (well maybe), great whites aren't fun, but nothing happened.
Will post again as I'm down and can start on baby food!
Annoying. Although some of it might have been because I got my period and I didn't go to the bathroom before. But still....
Anyway, funny thing happened yesterday: when we came out of the water after surfing, we suddenly saw the big black flag with the shark on it. Lol. Wouldn't have gone in if a had noticed before (well maybe), great whites aren't fun, but nothing happened.
Will post again as I'm down and can start on baby food!
7/10/10
rainy days
Thanks for your comment Dizzieyes! Agree, 130 is such a huge number! Am back to 127.4 today...still too high! Way too high! And although I'm completely broke, I still find food. Annoying. Had some oatmeal and toast today. Not that much, but too much to loose weight. Ah, and yogurt. Now I feel full. Too full.
Am just in a bad mood right now: too fat, too full, no money, still no car insurance (makes me nervous), no money, had to borrow money from work, so i can put petrol in my car and replace my flatmates milk, which i drank. It's raining, I've got no plans for the weekend, my friend is angry at me, or i at him, not so sure...have to work tomorrow morning, but i still don't want to go home to my empty flat tonight...have been sick the past days, so i didn't do anything...which makes me feel lazy...and alone...
i wish i was one of those rich, skinny little blondes. like a party girl. confident, popular...there were times when i thought i was, but now...i just feel icky, and i feel like everyone can see through my act, so although i am tired of feeling alone and lazy, i don't want to go out...
Am just in a bad mood right now: too fat, too full, no money, still no car insurance (makes me nervous), no money, had to borrow money from work, so i can put petrol in my car and replace my flatmates milk, which i drank. It's raining, I've got no plans for the weekend, my friend is angry at me, or i at him, not so sure...have to work tomorrow morning, but i still don't want to go home to my empty flat tonight...have been sick the past days, so i didn't do anything...which makes me feel lazy...and alone...
i wish i was one of those rich, skinny little blondes. like a party girl. confident, popular...there were times when i thought i was, but now...i just feel icky, and i feel like everyone can see through my act, so although i am tired of feeling alone and lazy, i don't want to go out...
7/6/10
new high - no, not the good type
130.7
Yeah
You want to see it again? feel bad for me, but glad it's not you?
wait, here it comes
130.7
yes, I'm ashamed, embarrassed, angry with myself, slightly worried about going out in public....and so on....
You can imagine what my eating the past few days was like...Bingeing without even purging, foods that I know would give me cramps, and it didn't even stop today.
Now I stopped. Sitting here, feeling full, which always makes me feel pukey, but I don't want to puke.
I want lots of water (which I have) and Laxis (which I don't), and something that stops me from eating, keeps me happy and awake (anyone going to Mexico soon?)...
In absence of that, It's now 6pm here, stopped eating a while ago, but here, publicly, to you and to me, I announce that I won't have anything until tomorrow 6pm. And than it will only be Oatmeal (know, lots of calories. But it is good for you + really feels you up for long periods at a time)!
Know all that's left is hoping the scale doesn't go any further up, drink lots of water now and take Laxis later.....
Might be much later though. Am still at work and will go watch soccer straight after. Becca is away, which is actually quite nice, as in a lot less drama! I only like drama if I created it.
Anyone else who suddenly dreams of dating a soccer player by the way?
Yeah
You want to see it again? feel bad for me, but glad it's not you?
wait, here it comes
130.7
yes, I'm ashamed, embarrassed, angry with myself, slightly worried about going out in public....and so on....
You can imagine what my eating the past few days was like...Bingeing without even purging, foods that I know would give me cramps, and it didn't even stop today.
Now I stopped. Sitting here, feeling full, which always makes me feel pukey, but I don't want to puke.
I want lots of water (which I have) and Laxis (which I don't), and something that stops me from eating, keeps me happy and awake (anyone going to Mexico soon?)...
In absence of that, It's now 6pm here, stopped eating a while ago, but here, publicly, to you and to me, I announce that I won't have anything until tomorrow 6pm. And than it will only be Oatmeal (know, lots of calories. But it is good for you + really feels you up for long periods at a time)!
Know all that's left is hoping the scale doesn't go any further up, drink lots of water now and take Laxis later.....
Might be much later though. Am still at work and will go watch soccer straight after. Becca is away, which is actually quite nice, as in a lot less drama! I only like drama if I created it.
Anyone else who suddenly dreams of dating a soccer player by the way?
6/25/10
getting fat, again
I'm just eating way too much! Yesterday, I started first thing (well, second, but anyway) in the morning with a little drive to McD's, and a plan were the best bathroom to get rid of it afterwards would be. Repeated later with Sushi and Chocolate Cookies, and dinner (Chicken Curry). Now, that wouldn't have been too bad, if I wasn't so paranoid about somebody catching me, being too loud, taking too long...So, I'm pretty sure I didn't get everything out.
I am disgusting!
Besides the weight gain, the health risks, the risks of getting caught and the waste of money, it's actually not anything that makes me feel good about myself.
When I am pretty much forced to eat out with friends? Maybe, although self control always feels better.
But cramming huge amounts of food secretly and alone into my body, just to secretly and alone purge in the next bathroom? Urgh. Mental + disgusting.
And again, I don't really have the money to waste on it.
I think I should go back to liquid fasting. Just because it's strict enough that there's not that much I can have, it's cheap, and as I can't image life without coffee and will probably have lots of alcohol this weekend, it's also the most realistic. So, here we go again! Let's see how long I can make it!
I am disgusting!
Besides the weight gain, the health risks, the risks of getting caught and the waste of money, it's actually not anything that makes me feel good about myself.
When I am pretty much forced to eat out with friends? Maybe, although self control always feels better.
But cramming huge amounts of food secretly and alone into my body, just to secretly and alone purge in the next bathroom? Urgh. Mental + disgusting.
And again, I don't really have the money to waste on it.
I think I should go back to liquid fasting. Just because it's strict enough that there's not that much I can have, it's cheap, and as I can't image life without coffee and will probably have lots of alcohol this weekend, it's also the most realistic. So, here we go again! Let's see how long I can make it!
6/23/10
trapped
So, for various reasons I'm still staying with Becca at the moment, and it's freaking me out! Right now, I can't borrow any of my friends car's, so I have to stay home. Pretty frustating 'cause a) It was my birthday b) I'm supposed to meet friends right now c) Lots of people I know are in town, and I would love to see them. Apart from the fact, that it's pretty pathetic to meet people you don't know that well alone. But as Becca's boyfriend probably won't allow her to go anywhere where she might meet guys (luckily she spend my birthday fighting with him, so dinner didn't happen), I guess I am on my own.
I'm approaching a panic attack, simply out of boredom and the fact that I virtually can't leave this place. That there's vodka, but nothing to mix it with, and nothing else to take my mind off things, doesn't help either.
I would cry, but I'm not sad. More panicky...I need to get out of here now! But I have nowhere to go, and no way to get there....
Obviously I'm eating....soups and chocalate cookies...and then I purge...
I'm approaching a panic attack, simply out of boredom and the fact that I virtually can't leave this place. That there's vodka, but nothing to mix it with, and nothing else to take my mind off things, doesn't help either.
I would cry, but I'm not sad. More panicky...I need to get out of here now! But I have nowhere to go, and no way to get there....
Obviously I'm eating....soups and chocalate cookies...and then I purge...
6/19/10
why can't i do the right thing?
so, that's what happened since my last entry:
the friends i'm staying with got home, and asked me if i wanted to go out. i thought, i could go out, not eat, only have a few cheap drinks, and not indulge in any other recreational things...
as if that ever worked...we had tequila shots, i ate, only to purge in the next available bathroom, and, of course, wasted my money on said recreation.
on the upside: at least we didn't go anywhere where we had to pay cover charges, and recreation seems to contain laxatives, as it always makes me go to the bathroom...
luckily, we all had a busy week, therefor felt like shit no matter what, and got home early...
will post my weight tomorrow, if i dare to...
the friends i'm staying with got home, and asked me if i wanted to go out. i thought, i could go out, not eat, only have a few cheap drinks, and not indulge in any other recreational things...
as if that ever worked...we had tequila shots, i ate, only to purge in the next available bathroom, and, of course, wasted my money on said recreation.
on the upside: at least we didn't go anywhere where we had to pay cover charges, and recreation seems to contain laxatives, as it always makes me go to the bathroom...
luckily, we all had a busy week, therefor felt like shit no matter what, and got home early...
will post my weight tomorrow, if i dare to...
6/18/10
boring/ honest
this blog is so boring! i know, it's because i don't dare to write what's actually happening in my life, but i'm not sure if i should change that. i'm just so scared that somebody will discover it, but even if, what's the worst that can happen? work? i don't think they can fire me for that? law? they'd have to prove that it's really happend and not just fantasy. flatmate? i don't think she will/can kick me out. friends? the good ones know most of it already, and will hopefully forgive the rest. family? ....let's not go there, but i can't see how anyone would ever find out.
also: if i'm writing this for me, i should be honest with myself.
ifg i'm writing for others, it should make good entertainement.
so, let's be honest:
i pretty much ran out of money, which was to be expected. still not cool. and i'll only start my real, still shitty paying job in august, and my other, even worse paying emergency job at the begining of next month.
i don't want to ask my family for help, my friends don't have money either, and i can't even work legally at the moment. not sure what i should do. obviously, not waste the little bit that i have left on food, but there's still the needeed as in petrol, phone, parking, fees to sort stuff that needs to be sorted,...
at least my rent and my car are paid.
and then there's the wanted: food that's thrown up anyway, drinks, stronger recreational things (still need to pay for the last time, f***), shopping, fees for concerts, clubs, radio for my car, new surfboard....
that list is endless...
my weight has gone up again, so altogether i'm not to happy. but i hope to get it back down, now that there's another reason why i shouldn't eat, besides "it's bad enough already"...
also: if i'm writing this for me, i should be honest with myself.
ifg i'm writing for others, it should make good entertainement.
so, let's be honest:
i pretty much ran out of money, which was to be expected. still not cool. and i'll only start my real, still shitty paying job in august, and my other, even worse paying emergency job at the begining of next month.
i don't want to ask my family for help, my friends don't have money either, and i can't even work legally at the moment. not sure what i should do. obviously, not waste the little bit that i have left on food, but there's still the needeed as in petrol, phone, parking, fees to sort stuff that needs to be sorted,...
at least my rent and my car are paid.
and then there's the wanted: food that's thrown up anyway, drinks, stronger recreational things (still need to pay for the last time, f***), shopping, fees for concerts, clubs, radio for my car, new surfboard....
that list is endless...
my weight has gone up again, so altogether i'm not to happy. but i hope to get it back down, now that there's another reason why i shouldn't eat, besides "it's bad enough already"...
6/15/10
not much new, weight hasn't changed, which is surprising, considering the amounts i hate last week.
need to find more time to post, but at the moment, everything is so crazy.
found a better car, which is awesome, didn't party too much, so everything is going great. now i just need to stop spending money and start making it instead!
ah, since myu eating has been so out of control, i decided to start a liquid fast. soups, juices, everything, babysteps...
need to find more time to post, but at the moment, everything is so crazy.
found a better car, which is awesome, didn't party too much, so everything is going great. now i just need to stop spending money and start making it instead!
ah, since myu eating has been so out of control, i decided to start a liquid fast. soups, juices, everything, babysteps...
6/4/10
bad diet, good life
...and still 125. And I am still eating. Had some beef jerky (don't know why, am craving that stuff at the moment), some chicken and grapes today. Hopefully, am not going to add anything, although I am invited to a BBQ. But, am moving at the moment, so hopefully burnt some calories carrying stuff back and forth.
Got so much more to do now, but I have a feeling that it's one of the weekends where all the colliding invites will end up being cancelled....I hope not, am in a going out mood....
Got so much more to do now, but I have a feeling that it's one of the weekends where all the colliding invites will end up being cancelled....I hope not, am in a going out mood....
6/3/10
not much new
Weight is still 125. It's my own fault. Yesterday was bad. After having half a wrap and and some Beef Jerky in the desperate attempt to get rid of my hangover,I just lost it in the evening and deliberatly over ate McD's, knowing that I was going to purge the moment I was done. Did so, took to Laxis just to make sure and was only a little bit annoyed with myself about the waste of money and the uneccessary calories. Then my friends decided to make dinner, and make me eat. So I purged again, and took another Laxi. Apparently all together, it was a bit much for my stomach. Ended up waking up 4 times, just to spend an hour with terrible cramps in the bathroom. So, spend all day in bed "recovering from my stomach bug". Didn't eat, and am pretty sure that all food has exited my body by now. So, hoping for tomorrow....
6/1/10
No internet – the past days...
My weight fluctuated a little bit the past few days. I haven’t been too worried though. 124.5 On Friday, 124.7 on Saturday, and 125.0 on Sunday and today. I’m still at my first goal weight, and although it’s going up, I’m actually not stressed out about it. I think it has something to do with my mood as well. In the past years, I have completely stopped eating when I was either extremely unhappy/stressed or happy/stressed, binged and purged when I was unhappy/bored or unhappy/stressed, eaten normally when I was relaxed and binged when I was just bored. Right now, I am not eating much, without trying really hard and bingeing/purging times in between. I just seem to be unable to keep it at a normal level. I find it easier to eat nothing then to eat a normal sized portion. That seems to go for my whole life at the moment. If I do something, I always want more.
Shopping: I don’t really feel like going at all, but have to if I want a fully furnished room, instead of sleeping on the floor with only my clothes to keep me warm. But once I bought the first desperately needed items, I want to buy more stuff! Stuff that I don’t need and don’t have the money for....
Parties: I don’t feel like going out, but after the third text I will dress comfy and make my way to my friend’s house. Six hours later, I find myself driving around the city, calling people that I really don’t like that much, or that I really shouldn’t hang out with, looking for a party, anything, while all my friends have gone to bed.
It’ so annoying. I wish I could do things in moderation. Maybe it’s just because life has been so crazy recently.
Back to my weight. So, 125 this morning. I haven’t been too bad today, one coffee, lots of detox mix and water, one crumble of chocolate cake (I really mean crumble. Not small piece.), three strips of beef jerky and a small piece of salmon. I walked around a lot, drank a little bit alcohol (water loss?) and did some bad things (raise metabolism?), so I’m hoping it’s down tomorrow. Actually, my next “goal” would be 123, but I have to be realistic, and weight that you loose too fast, never stays of, so I’m just going to hope for 124.5. We’ll see....
Shopping: I don’t really feel like going at all, but have to if I want a fully furnished room, instead of sleeping on the floor with only my clothes to keep me warm. But once I bought the first desperately needed items, I want to buy more stuff! Stuff that I don’t need and don’t have the money for....
Parties: I don’t feel like going out, but after the third text I will dress comfy and make my way to my friend’s house. Six hours later, I find myself driving around the city, calling people that I really don’t like that much, or that I really shouldn’t hang out with, looking for a party, anything, while all my friends have gone to bed.
It’ so annoying. I wish I could do things in moderation. Maybe it’s just because life has been so crazy recently.
Back to my weight. So, 125 this morning. I haven’t been too bad today, one coffee, lots of detox mix and water, one crumble of chocolate cake (I really mean crumble. Not small piece.), three strips of beef jerky and a small piece of salmon. I walked around a lot, drank a little bit alcohol (water loss?) and did some bad things (raise metabolism?), so I’m hoping it’s down tomorrow. Actually, my next “goal” would be 123, but I have to be realistic, and weight that you loose too fast, never stays of, so I’m just going to hope for 124.5. We’ll see....
5/28/10
Good day?
Weight today: 126.5 I've manage to maintain this throughout the whole day, despite multiple people (boys. of course) "making me eat". The weight loss is good, but I'm still dissapointed in myself for eating. And the weight is way to high. Now I now that there are lots of people, who will say no, if somebody (Steve, Beccas now-again-boyfriend) cooks for them and presents them with a plate, encouraging them multiple times to eat, but I just can't. I feel guilty for throwing food away, while people are starving (doesn't apply to throwing it up though. Not today, more last night)...the time and effort people put into preparing it (even if it wasn't only for me)...(By the way, it was a chicken sandwich).
And, I went for a date (can you call it date if you're not really into him, are not sure if he's still into you, but go because he's fun? Daniel) and he ordered Nachos (which I hate, because it really doesn't taste good enough to make it worth the calories), kept telling me to help him, that he can't finish it, they're really good...so I had like five.
And the "detox" attempt has changed into a liquid fast attempt, which I'll continue until the end of the week (Sunday). It's not a detox, if I smoke a pack of cigarettes and have six vodka/sprite. Plus, it's only going to get worse on the weekend.
On a more positive not, I've signed the lease for my apartement, decided I really won't spend more on furniture than on a car, found a great tanning place, and managed to delay all activities tomorrow that require carpooling until after 1pm. Yeah! Sleep!
And, I went for a date (can you call it date if you're not really into him, are not sure if he's still into you, but go because he's fun? Daniel) and he ordered Nachos (which I hate, because it really doesn't taste good enough to make it worth the calories), kept telling me to help him, that he can't finish it, they're really good...so I had like five.
And the "detox" attempt has changed into a liquid fast attempt, which I'll continue until the end of the week (Sunday). It's not a detox, if I smoke a pack of cigarettes and have six vodka/sprite. Plus, it's only going to get worse on the weekend.
On a more positive not, I've signed the lease for my apartement, decided I really won't spend more on furniture than on a car, found a great tanning place, and managed to delay all activities tomorrow that require carpooling until after 1pm. Yeah! Sleep!
5/26/10
way too much
Eating wise, I had a horrible day. It started this morning, when the only open place I could find that sold take-away coffee was McDs. Breaksfast is one of my biggest weaknesses and the last time I drove by a McDs while they were still serving breakfast, with time to stop, must have been 10 years ago. So I lost control and had an EggMcMuffin. It was so good. And so not worth it. Of course, as soon as I finished (typical fatty behavior: eating in the car. disgusting) I felt bad. And no place to purge. Haven't eaten since (yeah, too little, too late), and now my best friend and current house mate is making a special dinner for her (ex?)boyfriend. It's probably a good idea to leave the house.
Thanks for making me go food shopping when I'm not eating, btw. And laughing about it.
But, the worst is yet to come. While shopping for furniture, the sales girl asked me if I was expecting. Excuse me? Yeah, I put on weight, and my choice of clothing was a bit unfortunate, but still...Becca, (bestfriend/house mate) was shocked, of course, said the girl was just trying to be bitchy, but a)I don't think so, she was trying to sell me stuff, b)Becca, true friend, will never tell me that Im fat, c)weights more than I do (although she carries it better), and therefor has another definition of fat.
Life wise, great day. Got so much stuff done! Although I'm hoping that I'll manage to spend less on furniture than on a car....seems unlikely at the moment.
Ah, and I bought a scale. Digital one. Yeah! Current weight: 128. Took a laxi, to get rid of breakfast, so hoping it will be down tomorrow....
On another note, am not sure how much sense a detox makes (without McDs), when I'm smoking triple of my usual amount and craving alcohol and other mood altering substances...
Thanks for making me go food shopping when I'm not eating, btw. And laughing about it.
But, the worst is yet to come. While shopping for furniture, the sales girl asked me if I was expecting. Excuse me? Yeah, I put on weight, and my choice of clothing was a bit unfortunate, but still...Becca, (bestfriend/house mate) was shocked, of course, said the girl was just trying to be bitchy, but a)I don't think so, she was trying to sell me stuff, b)Becca, true friend, will never tell me that Im fat, c)weights more than I do (although she carries it better), and therefor has another definition of fat.
Life wise, great day. Got so much stuff done! Although I'm hoping that I'll manage to spend less on furniture than on a car....seems unlikely at the moment.
Ah, and I bought a scale. Digital one. Yeah! Current weight: 128. Took a laxi, to get rid of breakfast, so hoping it will be down tomorrow....
On another note, am not sure how much sense a detox makes (without McDs), when I'm smoking triple of my usual amount and craving alcohol and other mood altering substances...
5/25/10
my first
I have been thinking for quite some time about having a blog, but last night, like so many nights before, I just felt like I needed to write.
I was at a friends place, only three of us, having drinks, just some fun. It was pretty good (we were pretty bad), at least for a monday. Until I went to the bathroom. I stood in front of the mirror, just checking how I looked. Hair? Nice, light golden blonde, not blonde enough. Clothes? Cute, would look a lot better on a skinnier body. Face? Not bad, if it wasnt so chubby. Body? Just too fat. Now I know that I am not actually obese, but I would look so much better if i just lost some weight. The only problem is, I never feel full. So, easiest solution, I am just not going to eat. At least until including Friday. The good old lemon juice fast (water with lemon juice, maple syrup and cayenne pepper), the only thing that can actually stop me from eating.
I am also planning a busy day tomorrow, will have to get up super early, although I am not working at the moment, drive around a lot and so on, so hopefully I wont be tempted to eat that much anyway.
Too bad I dont really know my weight at the moment, I am staying with a friend, the only scale is in her parents room (same house, different apartement), so I can't use it when I want, and it's not a digital one. I don't think I want to know my weight anyway, but I'm guessing 127. Next Goal: 125.
I was at a friends place, only three of us, having drinks, just some fun. It was pretty good (we were pretty bad), at least for a monday. Until I went to the bathroom. I stood in front of the mirror, just checking how I looked. Hair? Nice, light golden blonde, not blonde enough. Clothes? Cute, would look a lot better on a skinnier body. Face? Not bad, if it wasnt so chubby. Body? Just too fat. Now I know that I am not actually obese, but I would look so much better if i just lost some weight. The only problem is, I never feel full. So, easiest solution, I am just not going to eat. At least until including Friday. The good old lemon juice fast (water with lemon juice, maple syrup and cayenne pepper), the only thing that can actually stop me from eating.
I am also planning a busy day tomorrow, will have to get up super early, although I am not working at the moment, drive around a lot and so on, so hopefully I wont be tempted to eat that much anyway.
Too bad I dont really know my weight at the moment, I am staying with a friend, the only scale is in her parents room (same house, different apartement), so I can't use it when I want, and it's not a digital one. I don't think I want to know my weight anyway, but I'm guessing 127. Next Goal: 125.
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