Yesterday...
In the morning I was fine. Had 2 hard boiled eggs and a coffee for breakfast, got some stuff done before work, confident I would only have a snack wrap for lunch anch a small soup for dinner.
But work was a nightmare. Insanly busy, sitting next to my ex for the whole time, unable to help him, unable to ask him for help, as he doesn't talk to me. I don't want him back, I don't hate him, but the complete silence between us is getting to me. I've never been good at being silent.
Had a Falafel for lunch. Felt so guilty. Everything ruined. And I was still hungry, still stressed, still upset, work was still busy.
Two options: go out, party hard, dont eat, dance it all away.
Go home. Buy as much food as you can afford. Purge it all.
As most of my friends have to work today, nobody wanted to go out. I drove to a small shop, the only one open by the time I left work. I wanted Lasagne. Could I still afford wine as well? No, no wine, drinking alone is pathetic and worrying. Bought all sorts of disgusting, high-calorie, ready-made foods. Drove home. Sat on the floor in my room. Ate them all. Went to the bathroom, grateful that the rain was so loud that my flatmate wouldn't hear me.
Wondered if there was a chance I could get the Falafel out as well. 6 hours? Too long. I found the spot down my throat. Tears were streaming down my face. I didn't stop, until there was only the bittersweet taste of an emty stomach. But it still wasn't enough. So I drank the glass of leftover wine.
This morning, I couldn't get up. Not for physical reasons, but just because I didn't see the point of it.
Panic. Guilt. And some part that doesn't care at all.
5/25/11
5/23/11
Evil me
I'm so sick of tired of people thinking I'm bad. The worst is, I started to believe it. Years ago, I wanted to be bad. I found it funny.
Now, I'm just so tired of it.
My ex-boyfriends called me witch, one even the devil. My friends say I'm bad influence. I probably am. My friends's friends dislike my for it.
Yes I party hard. On average twice a week. Yes I have a job that's maybe not as challenging as I would like. And now? I don't have a boyfriend, and don't have any obligations, I can't get another job at the moment for visa reasons, and I'm still waiting for my qualifications to get approved so I can get back to studying (part time). If things continue the way they are right now, that might take another year. Or forever.
So why would I not party? And if you decide to join me, why is that my fault? Yes, I've always been good at getting people to do what I want. And yes, you probaly wouldn't have continued drinking till 12pm the next day, if I hadn't been there.
Does that make it my fault?
My psychologist asked me what I liked about myself. Took me 10 minutes to come up with some bullshit. I can't actually think of much.
On a positive not: I hardly eat when I party. So I loose weight. Another reason to continue.
"Maybe I'm bad, but I'm perfectly good at it!"
Now, I'm just so tired of it.
My ex-boyfriends called me witch, one even the devil. My friends say I'm bad influence. I probably am. My friends's friends dislike my for it.
Yes I party hard. On average twice a week. Yes I have a job that's maybe not as challenging as I would like. And now? I don't have a boyfriend, and don't have any obligations, I can't get another job at the moment for visa reasons, and I'm still waiting for my qualifications to get approved so I can get back to studying (part time). If things continue the way they are right now, that might take another year. Or forever.
So why would I not party? And if you decide to join me, why is that my fault? Yes, I've always been good at getting people to do what I want. And yes, you probaly wouldn't have continued drinking till 12pm the next day, if I hadn't been there.
Does that make it my fault?
My psychologist asked me what I liked about myself. Took me 10 minutes to come up with some bullshit. I can't actually think of much.
On a positive not: I hardly eat when I party. So I loose weight. Another reason to continue.
"Maybe I'm bad, but I'm perfectly good at it!"
5/5/11
6 months later
I cant believe how long it has been. The past six months are kind of a blur. So much has happend, yet nothing has changed.
Whenever Im unsatisfied or bored with life (about every 5 minutes) I party. So I partied. And forgot that I wanted to change my job, boyfriend, eating habits....
Nick and me broke up, got back together, broke up again....
I ate healthy, ate too much, threw everything up...
Last week is pretty much how the last six month looked. So here we go.
Friday:
I was off for the day and bored, so I went shopping, spent money I dont have. Afterwards, I was still bored, so I started texting some friends, although I didn't actually really feel like going out. Izzy replied, she was keen to go out. At the same time, I got a text from an aquaintance, special easter offer on a little wake-me-up. I agreed on both. Went to Izzy's, had a few drinks, started talking, she asked if she could have some lines (she has never had it before). We end up talking the whole night, at some point she asked me if I had an ED. WTF? Turns out, she's bulimic and recognized the signs in me...
Not only does she know my little secret, but I also gave her drugs. I should have stayed home.
Eating okay. As close to normal as I get.
Saturday:
Drove to Nick in the evening. We're broken up, but behaving like we are a couple. So exhausted that I ended up passing out on the couch while watching 'How I met your mother'.
Too hungover to worry about food. Ate too much.
Sunday:
Morning. Nick and me start joking around, I get pissed off and suddenly cant get our last fight out of my head (among other stuff, he yelled at me that he would never get back together with me, that Im evil, that he soesnt give a shit about me, because I dont give a shit about him). I ledt. Drove home in the rain, called him from the car and told him I couldn't do this anymore.
Bought myself chocolates to cheer up, ended up stuffing my face and throwing it up again. A few times.
Tuesday:
A friend of mine plays in a band, I hadnt heard them play, so I went to there concert. No drama, but Anne, a friend of a friend is there. She' s the same height as me, bulimic and weights 104. I left.
I feel guilty. Didn't eat too much (small health wrap at lunch), but way too much to be around her.
Wednesday:
My best friend begged me to come over and bring some lines. I wasn't excited, but she was depressed and crying. Whatever. I met the guy, drove to her. When I walked in the door, she was busy having a fight with her bf, while another friend of hers, Lara, is sitting in the other room crying. Felt like I just walked into some soap opera. I spent the eving getting fucked with Lara, never quite figuring out who is angry at whom, or why. After I left, I got so bored I started stalking Nick. Yes, stalking! As in driving to his house and demanding he let me in so we could really kiss goodbye.
Ate a lot. Tried to throw it up, but it didn't really work.
Thursday:
Met an old friend. Managed to leave after a few drinks. Yeah! So proud!
Ate a lot though.
Friday
Went to see one of my 'good' friends, Carina. She's also crying and depressed. What is wrong with my friends. Despite us not going out, it's 4 in the morning and Im drunk when I get home.
She made me food. I tried to eat only as much as I had to. Still too much.
Saturday:
Best friend's birthday. Lara and me started doing shooters at 4pm, lines at 10pm. had a great time. Although I think I almost ODed. I know, not funny.
Didn't eat. Nibbled on some fries, to have enough stamina for the alcohol, but felt too guilty to eat eanything that actually resembeld a meal. Total: 8 fries, 1 chicken wing, 3 chips, 1/4 of a muffin. Not bad for 30 hours.
Sinse then, Im trying to get control over my life and eating. Will let you know if it works. I started seeing a therapist and havent heard from Nick.
Somehow, I'm wondering how long I will last before I'm back at the beginning...
My weight is fluctuating between 130 and 120...At the moment Im back up at 126 though...Fuck.
Whenever Im unsatisfied or bored with life (about every 5 minutes) I party. So I partied. And forgot that I wanted to change my job, boyfriend, eating habits....
Nick and me broke up, got back together, broke up again....
I ate healthy, ate too much, threw everything up...
Last week is pretty much how the last six month looked. So here we go.
Friday:
I was off for the day and bored, so I went shopping, spent money I dont have. Afterwards, I was still bored, so I started texting some friends, although I didn't actually really feel like going out. Izzy replied, she was keen to go out. At the same time, I got a text from an aquaintance, special easter offer on a little wake-me-up. I agreed on both. Went to Izzy's, had a few drinks, started talking, she asked if she could have some lines (she has never had it before). We end up talking the whole night, at some point she asked me if I had an ED. WTF? Turns out, she's bulimic and recognized the signs in me...
Not only does she know my little secret, but I also gave her drugs. I should have stayed home.
Eating okay. As close to normal as I get.
Saturday:
Drove to Nick in the evening. We're broken up, but behaving like we are a couple. So exhausted that I ended up passing out on the couch while watching 'How I met your mother'.
Too hungover to worry about food. Ate too much.
Sunday:
Morning. Nick and me start joking around, I get pissed off and suddenly cant get our last fight out of my head (among other stuff, he yelled at me that he would never get back together with me, that Im evil, that he soesnt give a shit about me, because I dont give a shit about him). I ledt. Drove home in the rain, called him from the car and told him I couldn't do this anymore.
Bought myself chocolates to cheer up, ended up stuffing my face and throwing it up again. A few times.
Tuesday:
A friend of mine plays in a band, I hadnt heard them play, so I went to there concert. No drama, but Anne, a friend of a friend is there. She' s the same height as me, bulimic and weights 104. I left.
I feel guilty. Didn't eat too much (small health wrap at lunch), but way too much to be around her.
Wednesday:
My best friend begged me to come over and bring some lines. I wasn't excited, but she was depressed and crying. Whatever. I met the guy, drove to her. When I walked in the door, she was busy having a fight with her bf, while another friend of hers, Lara, is sitting in the other room crying. Felt like I just walked into some soap opera. I spent the eving getting fucked with Lara, never quite figuring out who is angry at whom, or why. After I left, I got so bored I started stalking Nick. Yes, stalking! As in driving to his house and demanding he let me in so we could really kiss goodbye.
Ate a lot. Tried to throw it up, but it didn't really work.
Thursday:
Met an old friend. Managed to leave after a few drinks. Yeah! So proud!
Ate a lot though.
Friday
Went to see one of my 'good' friends, Carina. She's also crying and depressed. What is wrong with my friends. Despite us not going out, it's 4 in the morning and Im drunk when I get home.
She made me food. I tried to eat only as much as I had to. Still too much.
Saturday:
Best friend's birthday. Lara and me started doing shooters at 4pm, lines at 10pm. had a great time. Although I think I almost ODed. I know, not funny.
Didn't eat. Nibbled on some fries, to have enough stamina for the alcohol, but felt too guilty to eat eanything that actually resembeld a meal. Total: 8 fries, 1 chicken wing, 3 chips, 1/4 of a muffin. Not bad for 30 hours.
Sinse then, Im trying to get control over my life and eating. Will let you know if it works. I started seeing a therapist and havent heard from Nick.
Somehow, I'm wondering how long I will last before I'm back at the beginning...
My weight is fluctuating between 130 and 120...At the moment Im back up at 126 though...Fuck.
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