I'm just eating way too much! Yesterday, I started first thing (well, second, but anyway) in the morning with a little drive to McD's, and a plan were the best bathroom to get rid of it afterwards would be. Repeated later with Sushi and Chocolate Cookies, and dinner (Chicken Curry). Now, that wouldn't have been too bad, if I wasn't so paranoid about somebody catching me, being too loud, taking too long...So, I'm pretty sure I didn't get everything out.
I am disgusting!
Besides the weight gain, the health risks, the risks of getting caught and the waste of money, it's actually not anything that makes me feel good about myself.
When I am pretty much forced to eat out with friends? Maybe, although self control always feels better.
But cramming huge amounts of food secretly and alone into my body, just to secretly and alone purge in the next bathroom? Urgh. Mental + disgusting.
And again, I don't really have the money to waste on it.
I think I should go back to liquid fasting. Just because it's strict enough that there's not that much I can have, it's cheap, and as I can't image life without coffee and will probably have lots of alcohol this weekend, it's also the most realistic. So, here we go again! Let's see how long I can make it!
6/25/10
6/23/10
trapped
So, for various reasons I'm still staying with Becca at the moment, and it's freaking me out! Right now, I can't borrow any of my friends car's, so I have to stay home. Pretty frustating 'cause a) It was my birthday b) I'm supposed to meet friends right now c) Lots of people I know are in town, and I would love to see them. Apart from the fact, that it's pretty pathetic to meet people you don't know that well alone. But as Becca's boyfriend probably won't allow her to go anywhere where she might meet guys (luckily she spend my birthday fighting with him, so dinner didn't happen), I guess I am on my own.
I'm approaching a panic attack, simply out of boredom and the fact that I virtually can't leave this place. That there's vodka, but nothing to mix it with, and nothing else to take my mind off things, doesn't help either.
I would cry, but I'm not sad. More panicky...I need to get out of here now! But I have nowhere to go, and no way to get there....
Obviously I'm eating....soups and chocalate cookies...and then I purge...
I'm approaching a panic attack, simply out of boredom and the fact that I virtually can't leave this place. That there's vodka, but nothing to mix it with, and nothing else to take my mind off things, doesn't help either.
I would cry, but I'm not sad. More panicky...I need to get out of here now! But I have nowhere to go, and no way to get there....
Obviously I'm eating....soups and chocalate cookies...and then I purge...
6/19/10
why can't i do the right thing?
so, that's what happened since my last entry:
the friends i'm staying with got home, and asked me if i wanted to go out. i thought, i could go out, not eat, only have a few cheap drinks, and not indulge in any other recreational things...
as if that ever worked...we had tequila shots, i ate, only to purge in the next available bathroom, and, of course, wasted my money on said recreation.
on the upside: at least we didn't go anywhere where we had to pay cover charges, and recreation seems to contain laxatives, as it always makes me go to the bathroom...
luckily, we all had a busy week, therefor felt like shit no matter what, and got home early...
will post my weight tomorrow, if i dare to...
the friends i'm staying with got home, and asked me if i wanted to go out. i thought, i could go out, not eat, only have a few cheap drinks, and not indulge in any other recreational things...
as if that ever worked...we had tequila shots, i ate, only to purge in the next available bathroom, and, of course, wasted my money on said recreation.
on the upside: at least we didn't go anywhere where we had to pay cover charges, and recreation seems to contain laxatives, as it always makes me go to the bathroom...
luckily, we all had a busy week, therefor felt like shit no matter what, and got home early...
will post my weight tomorrow, if i dare to...
6/18/10
boring/ honest
this blog is so boring! i know, it's because i don't dare to write what's actually happening in my life, but i'm not sure if i should change that. i'm just so scared that somebody will discover it, but even if, what's the worst that can happen? work? i don't think they can fire me for that? law? they'd have to prove that it's really happend and not just fantasy. flatmate? i don't think she will/can kick me out. friends? the good ones know most of it already, and will hopefully forgive the rest. family? ....let's not go there, but i can't see how anyone would ever find out.
also: if i'm writing this for me, i should be honest with myself.
ifg i'm writing for others, it should make good entertainement.
so, let's be honest:
i pretty much ran out of money, which was to be expected. still not cool. and i'll only start my real, still shitty paying job in august, and my other, even worse paying emergency job at the begining of next month.
i don't want to ask my family for help, my friends don't have money either, and i can't even work legally at the moment. not sure what i should do. obviously, not waste the little bit that i have left on food, but there's still the needeed as in petrol, phone, parking, fees to sort stuff that needs to be sorted,...
at least my rent and my car are paid.
and then there's the wanted: food that's thrown up anyway, drinks, stronger recreational things (still need to pay for the last time, f***), shopping, fees for concerts, clubs, radio for my car, new surfboard....
that list is endless...
my weight has gone up again, so altogether i'm not to happy. but i hope to get it back down, now that there's another reason why i shouldn't eat, besides "it's bad enough already"...
also: if i'm writing this for me, i should be honest with myself.
ifg i'm writing for others, it should make good entertainement.
so, let's be honest:
i pretty much ran out of money, which was to be expected. still not cool. and i'll only start my real, still shitty paying job in august, and my other, even worse paying emergency job at the begining of next month.
i don't want to ask my family for help, my friends don't have money either, and i can't even work legally at the moment. not sure what i should do. obviously, not waste the little bit that i have left on food, but there's still the needeed as in petrol, phone, parking, fees to sort stuff that needs to be sorted,...
at least my rent and my car are paid.
and then there's the wanted: food that's thrown up anyway, drinks, stronger recreational things (still need to pay for the last time, f***), shopping, fees for concerts, clubs, radio for my car, new surfboard....
that list is endless...
my weight has gone up again, so altogether i'm not to happy. but i hope to get it back down, now that there's another reason why i shouldn't eat, besides "it's bad enough already"...
6/15/10
not much new, weight hasn't changed, which is surprising, considering the amounts i hate last week.
need to find more time to post, but at the moment, everything is so crazy.
found a better car, which is awesome, didn't party too much, so everything is going great. now i just need to stop spending money and start making it instead!
ah, since myu eating has been so out of control, i decided to start a liquid fast. soups, juices, everything, babysteps...
need to find more time to post, but at the moment, everything is so crazy.
found a better car, which is awesome, didn't party too much, so everything is going great. now i just need to stop spending money and start making it instead!
ah, since myu eating has been so out of control, i decided to start a liquid fast. soups, juices, everything, babysteps...
6/4/10
bad diet, good life
...and still 125. And I am still eating. Had some beef jerky (don't know why, am craving that stuff at the moment), some chicken and grapes today. Hopefully, am not going to add anything, although I am invited to a BBQ. But, am moving at the moment, so hopefully burnt some calories carrying stuff back and forth.
Got so much more to do now, but I have a feeling that it's one of the weekends where all the colliding invites will end up being cancelled....I hope not, am in a going out mood....
Got so much more to do now, but I have a feeling that it's one of the weekends where all the colliding invites will end up being cancelled....I hope not, am in a going out mood....
6/3/10
not much new
Weight is still 125. It's my own fault. Yesterday was bad. After having half a wrap and and some Beef Jerky in the desperate attempt to get rid of my hangover,I just lost it in the evening and deliberatly over ate McD's, knowing that I was going to purge the moment I was done. Did so, took to Laxis just to make sure and was only a little bit annoyed with myself about the waste of money and the uneccessary calories. Then my friends decided to make dinner, and make me eat. So I purged again, and took another Laxi. Apparently all together, it was a bit much for my stomach. Ended up waking up 4 times, just to spend an hour with terrible cramps in the bathroom. So, spend all day in bed "recovering from my stomach bug". Didn't eat, and am pretty sure that all food has exited my body by now. So, hoping for tomorrow....
6/1/10
No internet – the past days...
My weight fluctuated a little bit the past few days. I haven’t been too worried though. 124.5 On Friday, 124.7 on Saturday, and 125.0 on Sunday and today. I’m still at my first goal weight, and although it’s going up, I’m actually not stressed out about it. I think it has something to do with my mood as well. In the past years, I have completely stopped eating when I was either extremely unhappy/stressed or happy/stressed, binged and purged when I was unhappy/bored or unhappy/stressed, eaten normally when I was relaxed and binged when I was just bored. Right now, I am not eating much, without trying really hard and bingeing/purging times in between. I just seem to be unable to keep it at a normal level. I find it easier to eat nothing then to eat a normal sized portion. That seems to go for my whole life at the moment. If I do something, I always want more.
Shopping: I don’t really feel like going at all, but have to if I want a fully furnished room, instead of sleeping on the floor with only my clothes to keep me warm. But once I bought the first desperately needed items, I want to buy more stuff! Stuff that I don’t need and don’t have the money for....
Parties: I don’t feel like going out, but after the third text I will dress comfy and make my way to my friend’s house. Six hours later, I find myself driving around the city, calling people that I really don’t like that much, or that I really shouldn’t hang out with, looking for a party, anything, while all my friends have gone to bed.
It’ so annoying. I wish I could do things in moderation. Maybe it’s just because life has been so crazy recently.
Back to my weight. So, 125 this morning. I haven’t been too bad today, one coffee, lots of detox mix and water, one crumble of chocolate cake (I really mean crumble. Not small piece.), three strips of beef jerky and a small piece of salmon. I walked around a lot, drank a little bit alcohol (water loss?) and did some bad things (raise metabolism?), so I’m hoping it’s down tomorrow. Actually, my next “goal” would be 123, but I have to be realistic, and weight that you loose too fast, never stays of, so I’m just going to hope for 124.5. We’ll see....
Shopping: I don’t really feel like going at all, but have to if I want a fully furnished room, instead of sleeping on the floor with only my clothes to keep me warm. But once I bought the first desperately needed items, I want to buy more stuff! Stuff that I don’t need and don’t have the money for....
Parties: I don’t feel like going out, but after the third text I will dress comfy and make my way to my friend’s house. Six hours later, I find myself driving around the city, calling people that I really don’t like that much, or that I really shouldn’t hang out with, looking for a party, anything, while all my friends have gone to bed.
It’ so annoying. I wish I could do things in moderation. Maybe it’s just because life has been so crazy recently.
Back to my weight. So, 125 this morning. I haven’t been too bad today, one coffee, lots of detox mix and water, one crumble of chocolate cake (I really mean crumble. Not small piece.), three strips of beef jerky and a small piece of salmon. I walked around a lot, drank a little bit alcohol (water loss?) and did some bad things (raise metabolism?), so I’m hoping it’s down tomorrow. Actually, my next “goal” would be 123, but I have to be realistic, and weight that you loose too fast, never stays of, so I’m just going to hope for 124.5. We’ll see....
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